From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

“A Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG) is a stock character type in films. Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the term after observing Kirsten Dunst's character in Elizabethtown (2005), said that the MPDG "exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures."

 — I started writing this poem a year ago when my whole world seemed to not make any sense anymore and I needed to find a way to escape the version of myself I had come to accept as my true and final stage. Getting out of an abusive relationship, admitting to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, even spelling out the words abusive relationship is fucking hard. But now I know I’m not alone. It’s international women’s day today which for me is a reminder of this simple but crucial truth. We are not alone.

This poem was partially inspired by Abigail Thorn’s “Men. Abuse. Trauma.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeGEv0YVLtw) an amazing resource for anyone wondering if they might find themselves in a toxic relationship and those who know and try to deal with the trauma that comes from it – I’m at a point where I can recite it line by line by heart and I’m forever going to be grateful that I got the chance to watch it when I needed it most.

Maja

— I started writing this poem a year ago when my whole world seemed to not make any sense anymore and I needed to find a way to escape the version of myself I had come to accept as my true and final stage. Getting out of an abusive relationship, admitting to myself that I was in an abusive relationship, even spelling out the words abusive relationship is fucking hard. But now I know I’m not alone. It’s international women’s day today which for me is a reminder of this simple but crucial truth. We are not alone.

post-abuse mantra

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
I know you never asked me to
I know it never was my choice
I think we’re both to blame

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
You don’t need my salvation
All your darkness is not mine to brighten
There is only so much a girl can do

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
I will never know if you know
If you were aware or too lost in yourself to realize
I will never know if anything was ever real at all
All I know is that it broke me. After all this time, am I still broken?

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
How could I ever let it come that far?
How could I?
How was I so weak?
How was I so blind?

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
I tried
So hard I did not see
that you did not
They tell you about boundaries
But I did not know that kindness needs boundaries too
Whose fault is that?
Part of me would still argue it’s mine

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
“Don’t you want to be patient and forgiving?
Isn’t it good to listen?
Don’t you want to be faithful?
If you love someone, you don’t give up on them”

But what they don’t tell you
What took me too long to realise is this:

“In an ordinary relationship your virtues will shine.

With an abuser you will die waiting for them to be reciprocated”

 And so, I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore.
You don’t deserve to have one
No one does
And I think you know that
And I think you knew all along

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
Maybe I will forever blame myself
For all that happened
All that led to it
All I did after

I am not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
You made everything so blurry
When all I wanted was to be seen

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
I’m not going to let anyone call me pretty anymore
I’m not going to let anyone buy me a drink anymore

 I’m not going to let anyone ever get to me anymore

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
No more meaningless adventures
No more false interpretations
No more misunderstandings
No more empty promises

No more hope that it will all get better eventually
No more fear that it won’t
I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
No more delusions
No more blurred lines
No more of your darkness

I’m not going to be your manic pixie dream girl anymore
I need my strength for myself now
More than ever

To realize that I’m in fact not deemed to be broken forever
To realize that I cannot save you
That I will never save you
That I never had to

And maybe one day I will actually believe all of that

And maybe I’m not going to be anyone’s manic pixie dream girl anymore

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” (Audre Lorde)

Artwork by Tale Schwenker

This poem was partially inspired by Abigail Thorn’s “Men. Abuse. Trauma.” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeGEv0YVLtw) an amazing resource for anyone wondering if they might find themselves in a toxic relationship and those who know and try to deal with the trauma that comes from it – I’m at a point where I can recite it line by line by heart and I’m forever going to be grateful that I got the chance to watch it when I needed it most.

Maja